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Using PHP to Explain The Kinds of Republican

Imagine that you've found a Republican. You know what they're called, but you don't know what that the definition of that kind of Republican is.  Here's a PHP script to help you decipher it. Enjoy!




function gop_type_determine($observed_case) {

$definition = "Let's face it: this person is a Republican, and therefore an asshole. ";

switch ($observed_case) {

case "fundagelical":

$definition .= " This is a member of the Taleban, RSS/BJP, etc.who speaks English instead of Pashtu or Hindi and imputes mystical powers to Jesus instead of Mohammed. You can recognise this one because he selectively chooses verses from the Old Testament/Torah that explain the bigotries that his lizard brain produce. This Republican aspires to nothing higher than being able to tell Jesus that his daughter got a Home Ec degree from Liberty University when he's raptured. The only thing that would please him more would be if every non-white person were to somehow die at once.";

break ;

case "wingnut_catholic" :

$definition .= " This is a particularly screwy case, as unlike most other Republicans, the Wingnut Catholic has most likely read at least one book not sold at Walmart. Similar to the fundagelical, this Republican is terrified that somewhere, someone may be gay, and that this gay person is going about life enjoying himself at least as much as any other heterosexual person is. The thought of a gay person being happy is anathema to the wingnut Catholic. The thought of a gay person who isn't shrouded in years of psychic pain brings them psychic pain. To get to their goal of oppressing gays (and women,too, because they remind them of gays.) and make it sound like something other than the bigotry that it is, the Wingnut Catholic will usually invoke the history of anti-Catholicism in this country as proof that his bigotry should be socially acceptable. He will argue that because of bigotry against Catholics, they should be allowed to be bigoted against gays and women (See, 'Donohue, Bill'). Failing that, they will pull out the big gun: Aristotelian Natural Law. This will sound confusing and persuasive, and you'll frequently hear terms like 'objectively disordered'. There will also be references to 'three-legged squirrels'. This may sound persuasive till you remember that 1) From Aristotle's own mouth, we have it that all of this is dependent on his biology. Aristotle's biology has been empirically demonstrated to not work. 2) This is doctrine of the Catholic Church, and not by any means a philosophical consensus. 3) Therefore, you have to willingly buy into their flawed theory that is doctrine for their religion to be persuaded of it.";

break ;

case "corporatist" :

$definition .= " This is the classic case of the Republican. This person is the sort of person who believes that our democracy is imperfect, not because of millions of Americans who are shut out of voting, a legacy of federalism being used to oppress people, the hundreds of thousands who live in third world conditions, etc. No, this person's steely heart and resolve are only broken by the tragedy that ExxonMobil and Comcast are unable to govern freely, as these vicious proles keep using their government to pass laws. To the Corporatist, governments are only legitimate so long as they wage war on behalf of corporate interests. Anything that they do to protect citizens is Communism.";

break ;

case "teabagger" :

$definition .= " This is a new name for a classic Republican. In his most current incarnation as a Teabagger, this Republican genuinely believes that the greatest threat to America is the horde of homosexual illegal immigrants from Mexico crossing our borders to unplug our braindead ladies and adopt their children, and they know because Fox told them so. Moreover, these Mexicans will form a fifth column for our Kenyan born so-called President. The Teabagger also worries about spending if and only if it is not going to white people or corporations, and is completely incapable of recognising that every spending problem we have to day is because of Reagan and Bush.";

break ;

case "laffer_tard" :

$definition .= " This one is very similar to the Corporatist, but with a twist. The Laffer Tard believes in what you could call trickle down economics. What that means is that if you cut tax rates and give the rich welfare, as they walk up the hills to their mansions, some money may fall out of their pockets and trickle down the hills to where the poor live." ;



return $definition;




<body style="padding: 2em; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif">


if ($_REQUEST["republican_type"] != "") {

echo ("<p style='padding-bottom: 2em'>".gop_type_determine($_REQUEST["republican_type"])."</p>");




<select onchange="this.form.submit()" name="republican_type">

<option value="-1">which type of republican?</option>

<option value="laffer_tard">laffer tard</option>

<option value="teabagger">teabagger</option>

<option value="corporatist">corporatist</option>

<option value="wingnut_catholic">wingnut_catholic</option>

<option value="fundagelical">fundagelical</option>






This Is Why I Don't Carry A Lighter

Maggie Gallagher encourages gay hookups, apparently

For all that she supposedly hates gay people, WIngnut Magna Mater Maggie Gallagher apparently thinks that it's a good idea to brand her new anti-gay initiative by borrowing from the syntax of gay personal ads

Right on the heels of their much-mocked zombie ad sponsoring their Opus Dei buddy, NOM brings us their latest:

In just a few minutes, NOM President Maggie Gallagher and I will hold a press conference in Trenton, NJ, announcing an ambitious new nationwide “2 Million for Marriage” (2M4M) initiative.

C’mon. You’ve got to be kidding.

Surely her PR people are having a laugh at her expense. Can anyone really be in PR and not have at least done a quick google to see if your new acronym is going to engender giggles?

Although…. if I saw, “Hi, we’re 2M4M and we are against marriage”, it might make some weird sense.

But seriously, how is this even an accident. It’s not like M4M is new. They were using it in the personals columns before the first chat room ever lit up a green blinking curser on a solid black screen.

Yes, that's correct. The same geniuses who named an internet based political organisation in such a way that it's an acrostic for NOM are now branding an effort to rough up gays and then toss the bloody bodies into a closet as "Man For Man", syntax straight from the personal pages of....well, any major newspaper.  Most papers even have little boxes explaining what the codes are.

I wouldn't try to read too much into this. Call this a corollary to Occam's Razor: when discussing religious right figures, the simplest explanation is that they're stupid.


Pop music summary

Hard to top this.


Prop 8: The Musical

So this is apparently making the rounds of the blogosphere:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

and as you can imagine, the wingnuts are not happy. I've always thought that there's something particularly devastating about humour as a weapon, and this video demonstrates the point.


In Austin, we called these guys "trustafarians"

They voted GOP because their incomes were at stake

The New York Times offers an interesting map of the only counties in the country to vote more Republican in 2008 than they did in 2004. Obviously, these voters were concerned about preserving the integrity of their multi-billion dollar estates and incomes. It couldn't have been anything to do with race.


Republican Activists: Pray Away The Dreaded Day

The Dinosaur/Human Coexistence Society at Redstate have decided that they need to have a spiritual war against Barack Obama.

Nothing I can say about this is funnier than the fact that they will actually do this.


You really like me! You really, really like me!

H/T to canuckster.

This is just so pathetic.



The Columbia Journalism Review has finally decided to push back against the McCain campaign's attacks on the media. Brilliant.